As a little girl, I often thought about time. The full length of time. There was something both fascinating and terrifying about it. These thoughts often stirred up thoughts of death. My death.. I am going to die one day, probably around 70 years, and time continues on. Forever. This thought just terrified me. What about the rest of time. What is going to happen to me? Do I just end.. And the worst part was an overwhelming feeling in my heart that I was going to die young. As a girl whom did not believe in God, this was a lot to handle.
My parents were not religious either.
My mom was raised Catholic but was not practicing. Her mother passed away when she was around 11 years old so she had to grow up fast. She was responsible for raising her 10 or so other siblings. I think this is where her faith took the back burner. My dad grew up in a broken home. Alcohol and abuse were a common thing for him. His escape from that life was summer vacations at his grandmother's farm. This is where he learned of Christ. He stepped away from the Lord as he became an adult. He joined the army and later found the gateway to drugs and alochol. He was an alcoholic for many years of my childhood.
We went to church a few times. The only reason I liked to go was to show off my dresses. I do remember the most exciting church experience was when I got to wear a black and white polka dot dress with a red petticoat underneath. I cannot even tell you anything that was preached.
Anyway, I was someone living solely for themself. I felt that everything I had or achieved was only by my doing. I worked hard to get where I was, why would I think anything else?! I was the first in my family to go off to college, I wasn't an alcohol and I was popular.
My freshman year at Washington State University was nothing less than the world's view of the college experience. I made friends, went to football games and partied. Not just any partying. Wazzu partying. Thursday through Sunday I lived at the frats. I drank and danced, drank and blacked out, drank and got promiscuous. And all the while, I managed around a 3.8 GPA.
This lifestyle did not slow down until I started pursuing a sweet guy from my home town. We wrestled together during high school. Both of us were captains and hard workers. I had a crush on him all throughout high school. There was just something different about him and I had to have him. As soon as I heard he had broken up with his girlfriend of three years, my pursuit began. It was months and months of headgames and heart ache later that we began dating.
This relationship seemed so perfect to me. He was such a nice guy and had a great outlook on life. I had worshipped and idolized him for nine months. There was nothing more important in my life than him or us. Then two days after Valentine's Day, I got a call from him. He said I just was not the right girl for him and he could not be in this relationship anymore. This was devastating to hear. This was my life. This was my everything. How could this happen? What did I do? This could not be real.
The next week, my heart felt like a hole. Like any good feelings that were once there were ripped out and replaced with sorrow and loss. It felt as though someone had died. I had never felt anything more painful than that heart break. I remember I laid on my best friend, Alexa's, bedroom floor and just cried for days. She was so gentle and comforting. I could not even receive that at first. I just wanted pain to go with my loss. Then the fear of death that I used to fear as a girl came back. I confessed this to Alexa one day and she asked me if I felt like this, why wouldn't I want to know God (She was a Christian but not walking with the Lord at the time). The very thought of meeting God made me even more afraid. I did not want to know God when I was a sinner. I drank to get drunk, I slept around, I swore, I used His name in vain too many times to count. This God would not love me, He would want to punish me.
Then one day, as a way to get out of my depression and the house, Alexa, Angela and I went on a hike with the WSU Hiking Club. I have no idea how we got involved with this club but we did. On the way to the hike, I remember Alexa and Angela were talking about God or religion. It was all the same to me then. And I asked them how they knew God or this love they were talking about. They told me a bit but it did not really change much in my heart. I do remember that I was a little taken aback by the confidence they both had when they talked about the love of Jesus.
A few days after the hike, Alexa and I were walking on Terrell Mall and she told me about Campus Crusade for Christ. There was a meeting that night and she wanted to me to go with her to check it out. I had nothing and no one besides Alexa during that depression, so I agreed to go.
The meeting for Campus Crusade for Christ consisted of worship, the dangerous friendship talk from Todd Langerveld, and some Summer Projects announcements. This seemed like a great enough meeting. But for me it was convicting and scary. I got to Emmanuel Baptist Church and saw people worshipping Jesus. This was a whole new thing for me. I did not understand it. And honestly, it freaked me out. I did not feel comfortable! Then I realized that people from my classes were there too. That just made me feel even more uncomfortable. These people had seen me before. They knew the life I had lived and that I did not believe in their God. They were probably wondering why I was at their church. Todd's message was great though. He was talking about friends the Lord brings together to impact the world around them.
After CCC meetings, people usually socialize in the foyer of the church. I remember feeling so uncomfortable that I told Alexa we just had to leave because I couldnt take any more of it. So we both ran out of there. But before I could even breathe a sigh of relief, we saw the keys were locked in the car! All I could think was, OMG we have to go back in there... And that is what we did.
We waited for our other roomate, Angela, to bring Lex's spare keys inside the church. We were not in the main foyer but just the entrance of the church. That's when Todd Langerveld came over to speak with us. Alexa had been trying to get us together to meet earlier that week but a time never worked out. It was crazy that he was even speaking at CCC that night. He is the director of Athletes in Action and usually speaks on Mondays. He came over, introduced himself, and just asked me about my life. All the walls of insecurity and protection came down. I poured out everything. My life, fears, heartbreak. That is when Todd gently shared the Gospel to me. He told me how much Jesus loved me. He loved me before I sinned, and will continue to love me unconditionally. He is the Son of God, fully God and fully man. He lived a sinless life, and died on the cross. All for me. So that the gap between me and God could be bridged and I would not have to work for eternal life. It is a gift the Lord wants to give me freely. He just wants a personal relationship with me and everyone on this earth.
This rocked my world. The Creator of the universe loved me, a sinner? And died for me? It was the first time I heard this story of grace and mercy. And it was the first time it all clicked. This made perfect sense to me. An aethist! I had to have this relationship. Todd told me the only thing I had to do was believe and let Jesus into my heart. It would only take a prayer, one time, and I would have this relationship forever.
On February 25, 2010, I surrendered my life to Christ.
The Lord definitely allowed the keys to get locked in the car so I could hear His message of saving grace.
I no longer fear death.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and of timidity but of power, of love and of sound mind." 2Tim 1:7
And my broken heart has healed with time. Jesus has my heart. And I pray that He is always the love of my life.
